Alan Statham

Alan Roderick Statham is a fictional character in the British sitcom Green Wing, played by Mark Heap.

History

Alan is the consultant radiologist at East Hampton Hospital.

While unpopular with his coworkers, he is one of the most important people in the hospital, being the head of the Radiology department, attending official meetings with the hospital's top brass. One of the other members of staff that attends these meetings is human resources director Joanna Clore, with whom he is having an affair, which is an open secret within the hospital.

Junior doctor Boyce serves as Alan's chief nemesis, constantly playing practical jokes on him, as well as playing on his attachment to Joanna. The Boyce and Alan have a complex relationship, apparently hating each other but displaying signs of obvious affections for each other nonetheless.

In the second series, Alan wins a caption competition on the Consultant Radiologists International website, an organisation of which Alan claims to be an "esteemed member". Joanna becomes sick of his cheerfulness, so she tries to scare him using her dwarf cousin, but Alan is so shocked that he believes he is hallucinating, and beats the man to death with a stuffed heron. Alan and Joanna flee the hospital, assisted by Boyce, and they steal a camper van which, unbeknownst to them, contains Joanna's son, Dr Martin Dear. Alan ends up driving the camper van (almost) over the edge of the same cliff where Martin was in a similar accident before. However, Martin calls the AA on his mobile and is rescued.

Alan and Joanna go on the run to hide from the police and have to resort to stealing food, but accidentally kill three more people during their escape: Joanna reverses the camper van into a mechanic, Alan sits on a shopkeeper's face and suffocates her, and Joanna rubs peanut butter into the face of a policeman with a nut allergy who is questioning them. Alan tries to fix the van so it runs on alcohol, as a result of which it explodes. Alan and Joanna consider handing themselves in, moving to Spain, or committing suicide. Alan vetoes moving to Spain as he dislikes the Spanish. The pair are last seen walking naked into the sea. An alternate ending on the DVD release of the Special shows Alan and Joanna clinging to a buoy.

Personality

Outside life at the hospital, he likes going to restaurants with Joanna, playing table tennis, playing the sopranino recorder and is keen on botany. During the time Mac was in his coma, Alan played table tennis against him. However, when Caroline entered, he claimed a "Small ping pong man" was playing him and he tried to chase after him.

He is keen on politics, and once stood as an independent candidate in an election (policies included "Raising the age for a surgical consultancy to 48" and "Banning all motorcycles"), but he was not elected. He hates The Simpsons, BBC Radio 1, menstruation, tilting trains, botrytis (a plant disease), the metric system and crazy paving. He also claims to be a member of Mensa, although his IQ is 139 and acceptance to MENSA requires 140. Alan at one point tries to follow Joanna's practice of taking a coffee enema for relaxation, but neglects to let the coffee cool down first, causing him agonising pain, instead of the desired relaxing effect—in spite of which he perseveres with the treatment. He can also do several bird impressions, and can sing "Baa Baa Black Sheep" in Latin. Alan also has the habit of correcting other people's grammar.

Relationships

Joanna

For much of the series, Alan and Joanna are in some sort of "secret" relationship, and for an equally long time, everyone in the hospital has known about it. This has not stopped them from continuing their relationship as if it were secret. They often dine out, play games and Alan even has names for certain parts of Joanna's body. He calls her breasts "Mimi" and "Charlotte", and also calls Joanna's vagina "The growler".

When Joanna starts to fancy Lyndon, Alan tries various ways to stop him. However, he fails. At one point, Alan thought that Joanna was pregnant with his child. When Joanna both tells him that not only is she not pregnant but is also dumping Alan, he is driven almost mad. He even ends up stealing a milk float and throwing the contents at passing women.

Alan converts to Christianity. When Joanna is dumped by Lyndon, however, they soon get back together. Later, they drift apart, and Joanna once again tries to see if she can get Lyndon to go out with her, but fails. Alan tried to get his own back by unleashing a box of flies in her office, but Joanna listened to the tape attached to the box before she actually opened the box, leading her to discover that the box was filled with flies, and so she had the box of flies released into Alan's office.

During a period when Alan is unusually happy, Joanna tried to make him upset again by getting her cousin, a dwarf, to paint himself green, hide behind Alan's desk, jump out, and scare him. However, Alan was so scared he beat him to death with a stuffed heron. Although the incident has got them into a heap of trouble, it has also brought them together. Joanna even had sex with him, while she hid in a cupboard and drilled a hole in it. When it looks like they might be discovered, Alan and Joanna go on the run and steal a camper van, unaware that Joanna's son Martin was in it as well. Season 2 ended with Alan, Joanna and Martin in the camper van, the van itself teetering dangerously over a cliff. In the special Alan and Joanna had managed to get off the cliff top in the van, having dumped Martin. The two went on the run from the police together, and managed to kill several other people in the process. In the end, they ran out of petrol, and Alan managed to blow up the van. The two were last seen holding hands, and strolling into the sea together.

Boyce

Of all the people that agitate Alan, Boyce comes top of the list. All of Boyce's time is devoted to forming new ways to make Alan look stupid. Boyce often refers to his affair with Joanna, which often leads Alan to stammer, becoming confused, and often cancelling the lesson.

Boyce often makes homosexual advances towards him, and even managed to project a 30-foot holographic image of Alan having anal sex with another man. Another similar incident occurred when Boyce bought Alan in a charity auction for 30p. He also sends him a helium motorised balloon labelled "HOMO".

As the series goes on, Boyce appears to become friendlier with Alan. He tries to help Alan during his attempt to enter politics, he invites him to a party to celebrate his promotion, and he even helps Alan escape from the police. Boyce realises that he misses Alan when the man filling in is meaner than Alan. Alan later rings Boyce from a phone box and sings a verse from Lionel Ritchie's "Hello", which causes both of them to become visibly emotional. This is the last time we see Boyce and Alan. In the scene he tells Boyce that the "Parrot and the Parakeet are flying West by moonlight", seemingly alluding to his upcoming suicide.

Mac

Alan does not get on well with Mac. Like many of the doctors, Mac often attacks his pomposity and superiority. They often attack each other's hairstyles, Alan mocking Mac's rather feminine haircut, and Mac making remarks about Alan's moustache.

Their main argument arose when Alan had bought a new car, and was outraged by the fact that Mac has a parking space right near the entrance that he never uses because he rides a motorbike. Alan tried to do everything possible to get the space but failed, and was further angered when Mac and Boyce filled the space with sand and several bikini-clad girls. After confronting Mac about it, he makes Mac and Boyce agree to give Alan a much better parking space. The car ends up in Alan's office, a joke made quite remarkable by the fact that no walls seem to be demolished, or the car dismantled. He even went into an operation which Mac was performing. Alan pulled out the patient's gall bladder and ate it, but regurgitated it back up some moments later.

Sue

Alan often visits Sue White, mostly to complain about his badge being vandalised or to report some other form of abuse. Their relationship was not helped when Alan insulted Sue for her view of God that comforted her when her mother died, saying that it was wrong and if she had read the Bible her mother probably wouldn't have died. Sue normally responds by ignoring his request and making him leave. Sue once set fire to her desk to make Alan leave, and accidentally set Alan's arm alight. Alan ended up running through the hospital setting fire to things as he went, and extinguishing his arm by diving into an occupied birthing pool.

In one deleted scene, Alan took his revenge on Sue by urinating in her office, claiming that he was, "Doing what you have been doing to me metaphorically all these years". Alan was then met by a shocked Sue, and a group of Japanese delegates. They mistake him as a mental patient, to which Alan then dries his penis on Sue's leg. After looking very shocked for a while, Sue dismisses the delegates.

Other relationships

Alan is known not to be liked by most of the people in the hospital. He once tried to trick Joanna that he was having sex with Dr. Caroline Todd, unaware that Caroline was in Joanna's office and heard everything over the speakerphone.

His rivalry with Lyndon, although unfounded as Lyndon does not like Joanna, has led him to take several courses of action, including a tug-of-war in the staff canteen (which Alan lost, ostensibly for not having the right shoes).

During his time as a Christian, Alan was attracted to the hospital chaplain Cordelia Denby, but she showed no interest in him.

The women in the human resources department are aware of Alan and Joanna's affair, and often exploit it, most notably Kim Alabaster and Naughty Rachel.

It is also known that Angela and Guy have their own problems with him.

Other

The character of Dr. Alan Statham was on a list of nominations for Channel 4's 50 Greatest Comedy Characters, but failed to make the top fifty.^[1] In a poll on the British Sitcom Guide, Alan came sixth in a poll of the ten best sitcom villains.^[2]

References

External links

• Green Wing microsite biography.