It's not you, it's me

It's not you, it's me is a popular phrase used in the context of breaking-up, and is intended to ease the dumpee's feeling in the knowledge that it wasn't their fault, but because of a fault with the dumper.

History

Merriam-Webster says that the phrase originated in newspaper articles which saw it being used in a sporting context where players would "either apologizing for or boasting about their abilities". But the phrase morphed into a romantic context from in the 1988 movie Casual Sex? where it was used in the middle of a seduction scene.^[1]

In 1989, a column written from the perspective of a sexually frustrated wife who uses the term "ran stateside in syndication", and in the same year an Australian comedian named Anthony Ackroyd deemed the line "unavoidably unoriginal".^[1]

The phrase was popularised by a 1993 episode of Seinfeld where George Costanza gets dumped by a woman who uses the phrase on him.^[1]

PsychologyToday offered an expanded version which reads: "'It's not you, it's me.' 'I hope we can still be friends'", which adds an element of friendzoning to the situation.^[2]

Explanation

The phrase's purpose it to ease a break-up and putting the onus on the person breaking up: "The person saying these words is taking responsibility for their inability to please you...It hurts them to hurt you."^[3] The phrase may be used as a vague all-encompassing, dismissive alternative "because the truth makes them feel shallow and embarrassed."^[2] An article in ThoughtCatalog used the phrase in terms of the "sad, honest truth [that] I don’t deserve a woman as good as she".^[4]

Reception

Merriam-Webster described it as a "much-reviled, often-used excuse".^[1] The Huffington Post described it as "overworked and clichéd".^[3] PsychologyToday argues that "Opening with "It's not you, it's me" is just going put your partner on the defensive from the start."^[2]

References